


Sometimes I can feel

by SlashPrincess



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:57:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8175878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlashPrincess/pseuds/SlashPrincess
Summary: Jonathan keeps distance between him and Evan but one day... Evan decides he's gonna break it. And it's not a bad decision at all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any errors, this is the first English fic I have ever written and it's not betaed. But I sort of like it and I wanted to share it with you. :)

Sometimes he felt like there was nothing in the world waiting for him. He stood in front of a mirror, staring at his reflection like he couldn’t recognise his own face. It was these moments when he felt he needed someone beside him. But he couldn’t tell anyone. Well, he could and he knew, eventually Luke would look through him like he usually did, but he couldn’t tell anyone else because he was a coward. So, he let the feeling have the power over him, he let himself be swallowed by the tsunami of numbness. Sometimes he didn’t feel like he we would ever come out of the darkness.

…

Some days he felt like he wasn’t alive at all. He heard Evan’s voice and his own but it felt so surreal, he didn’t believe it.

„Man, you okay?“ Evan said sometimes when he acted weirder than normally.

„Yeah, man,“ Jonathan answered but he knew he didn’t fool him.

Evan knew him well but he never tried to press him. He was listening when Jon wanted to talk but didn’t push when there were no more words. Evan was one of the best people in his life and the fact they have never met was making him feel even worse. They only heard each other speak. He never told Evan it was his voice he was talking to when he had his never-ending conversations in his head.

…

„You should tell him,“ Luke once said while they were sitting on the terrace of Luke’s house.

„What should I tell whom?“ Jonathan asked.

„Don’t play stupid with me. You’re a good actor but I know you through and through.“ Luke turned his head and observed him, waiting for Jonathan to look at him too but Jonathan kept staring at the trees curling in the wind, he didn’t bay an eyelid. So, Luke continued. „I talked to him, you know. I saw how desperate he is to meet you. And I know what you’re afraid of but I don’t see any reason to keep the distance between you two.“

Jonathan closed his eyes only to see Evan’s silhouette. He fucking hated himself, so he didn’t say anything because Luke wouldn’t like the things he would hear.

„He’s hurting. And you’re hurting. I thought this was the only thing you wanted to avoid.“ He heard the pain Luke felt for them in his voice.

He was sorry for hurting everyone around him but the fucking fear of unknown had the upper hand on him.

„I’m sorry, Luke. I can’t.“ Jonathan sighed and left.

…

Sometimes he felt like there was no air he could breathe anymore. He was lying on the couch waiting for the moment he would finally suffocate on his own fucking mind. His sobbing was loud and he was shaking so violently he was thinking about calling Luke. But even if he did, Luke couldn’t save him because he was out of the town with his girlfriend; not that Jonathan would blame him, he was adult and Luke didn’t have any obligation at taking care of him. Sometimes he wished he would have someone else whom he could call for help. He was thinking of Evan while clutching a pillow to his chest, his amazing Evan who wasn’t his at all and who would catch the first plane and be here in a fucking moment if Jon told him to.

He laid there for what felt like forever, he calmed down after a while, with his eyes red and throat sore. His arms were covered with stretches and he had blood under his nails but he was alive. Unfortunately. He survived again. Sometimes he didn’t know why he still lived. He sighed heavily and then his phone buzzed.

It was Evan calling him.

He didn’t want to answer but then Evan would be worried and it was the last thing Jon wanted him to be.

„Hey,“ he said, surprised how broken his voice sounded.

„Jo? Are you okay?“ Evan asked him, confusion and panic filling the tone of his voice.

Jonathan didn’t want to lie to him. „No, Evan. I’m not.“ He said on the verge of tears when he felt new wave of pain rising through his chest. „I wish you were here with me.“ He whispered and he didn’t care anymore what Evan would think. He hung up and let the phone slip out of his hand and fall to the floor.

He couldn’t hear the door opening or the feet hitting the wooden floor in the hall. He was curled up on couch when Evan found him.

„Oh my fucking god, Jonathan.“ Evan fell on his knees next to him and Jon finally realised he wasn’t alone.

„Evan?“ Jon blinked at him when he saw him, he was staring at him for a while. Evan‘s lips were moving but he didn’t hear a word they said.

_„I’m so fucking stupid, Jonathan. I’m sorry. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know how much. I’m so sorry.“_

This was the first time he was hallucinating and he wasn’t sure what to do, so he closed his eyes and covered his face with his palms. But Evan grabbed them and pulled them away right the next moment.

Jonathan looked at him again. He felt it, he felt the hands that took hold of his own, they were warm and a bit shaking, but they were real, as well as the breath on his face and the fingers brushing away all the tears that he cried.

„Can you hear me, Jon?“ He also heard his voice.

He blinked. Once, twice. „You’re still here,“ he said.

„I am,“ Evan said, still a bit shook. They were looking in each other’s eyes, Jonathan still felt his strong grip. Maybe he wasn’t hallucinating.

„Are you real?“ He asked. He didn’t care if the question was stupid. He needed to know.

Evan smiled. „I am real, Jonathan.“

It was so weird, so unknown. The pain was slowly easing away, his breath calmed and Evan was still by his side. One moment later his consciousness gave up.

…

Sometimes it was too much to bear. He felt too much and nothing at all at once. He had to hurt himself to keep himself sane. The pain was helping but it was a vicious circle; sometimes the only thing he needed was to watch himself bleed.

…

When he opened his eyes again there was a note on his bedside table. _Yes, I’m real._

He remembered last night, maybe not everything, but he remembered him. The questions were eating his mind, how the fuck did Evan get there? It must’ve been Luke because… who else. He must’ve sent him, maybe he told him about how he was for the last few weeks.

Someone knocked on the door. No, not someone, he corrected himself. It was Evan.

„Come in,“ he said. Why did they act so formal? „You don’t have to knock, you know.“ He smiled at him when Evan came in and his mind was so clear after so long. It almost felt like déja vu.

„Yeah, I know… I… just, I don’t know. I felt like I should’ve.“

Evan sat on the bed next to him and watched him for a while. Jonathan knew what was going to come, because he knew Evan loved him and he had these talks with Luke so many times he had already got used to it.

„We need to talk,“ Evan said worriedly, his eyebrows frowned. Yes, the exact words, it was like Luke had put them into Evan’s mouth, the only difference was the accent.

„True. How did you get here?“ Jonathan asked, Evan didn’t look surprised.

„Plane. And Luke told me where to find the keys.“ He shrugged.

„Of course he did.“

„Yeah, my turn now. Why didn’t you tell me how bad you got?“ Evan’s face suddenly turned so sad it made Jonathan’s heart clench.

„I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to worry about me, it wouldn’t do me any good.“ He told him, unable to lie.

Evan stared at him, Jon saw the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. „I love you.“ Evan said without restraint.

Jonathan stared back. He knew it was coming. „I know, and I’m sorry.“

Evan laid next to him without saying anything else. They were lying on their sides facing each other, Evan was stroking Jonathan’s arm, waiting for him to talk. There was barely any space between them.

„I love you too. But you already know that.“ Jon said quietly.

„It’s still nice to hear it.“ Evan smiled at him.

„I should’ve told you earlier.“ He wanted to tell him, how much he needed him but feared everything he could do wrong, but it was so hard.

„You should’ve told me many things.“ Evan said and his arm slid to his side to bring him closer.

„I’m sorry.“ Jon whispered and broke the distance that set their lips apart. It was only a soft brush but it felt like everything that was missing in his life. „I’m sorry for keeping you away.“

„I’m here now.“ Evan kissed him again and Jonathan opened his mouth to taste the sweet desperation of the moment they shared and he wrapped his arms around Evan.

„I love you so much, Evan Fong,“ Jonathan whispered to his hair.

…

Sometimes he feels like the life he’s living can’t be his own. Sometimes it’s too good. But he knows well that everything he feels now is real. Because there‘s Evan by his side. Forever.


End file.
